I took a hike, went for a ride
Walked down the lake, but for Gadalf’s sake

What was it that I found there?

Was it a diamond? Or was it a pearl?
Was it true gold? It felt so cold…

I knelt and touched it, I knew at once
This book would get some hardcore fans.
I imagined immediately, games, RPG’s,
We even had fat spiders, but, shit! … No bees?????

I took it with me, I loved it so much
A ring of beauty, so smooth to the touch.
It gave me years and kept me young forever
It will sell more tickets than Maiden in Denver

So many people, such a brilliant cast
I visualized in years many of honors past.
Stupid McKellen made me pass it on,
Stupid gray magician, that’s all your fault.

So now my son has gotten my ring,
My tired heart does no longer sing.
Shit already I’m tired, and bored quite some
3 hours of a movie – and no break? Oh man…

Now elves
and midgets with beards
horses and birds,
rangers, warriors drink beers,
magicians, ugly earth-muds,
it sounds so childish,
But, who am I to judge?

So back to my story, I’m writing a book.
It’s not Harry Potter, nor Captain Hook.

Back to our heroes, they’re so far away,
3 hours makes you wonder, “does this thing end today?”

So they battle their way, they lose the old chap
That’s for taking my ring, you white bearded twat.
And they all now cry, the midgets as well
Cry! Cry some more! This franchise will sell.

So, they cry some more, you look at the scenery
But the Wizard got no Oscar, oh what a misery….

So they sail away, Past the two giant statues,
Did you know November 16, was really St. Matthews’?
But hey, now that I mentioned it, did you notice their arms?
You fucked up the FX, You stupid bums.

Well forget all about that, the time has passed,
You start to think, “how long shall this last”?
So come on the earth-muds, imagine the smell
So they lose the warrior too? Don’t tell…

I’m still on the mountain, completing my story
Let the others die down there, I’ve no reason to worry.

So they fight once more, there goes the unshaved swordsman,
And the midget disappears, like a sentenced conman.
Or was that an X-man?
Oh that’s another franchise
They even do sell,
Better looking merchandise.

Talking about that, I sometimes wonder
Would Bryan Singer do a better job?
Realizing the answer, what else is there to do
but sob.

After filming Bad Taste, and completing Brain Dead,
This quite competitive cast, to glory he led.
So praise the Jackson, the fat bearded yoyo
Who gave Tolkien nightmares, and screwed up his Mojo.

And just to set the record straight, the movie did end
The Uruk-Hai didn’ t get the ring, with so many to defend.
Up here on the mountain, I ‘m writing my thing
Chilling out, watching the game, and having a drink.

But do not forget, in years one,
We’ll see what happened, and have some more fun.
Kill some more ugly bastards, talk to a little 3D creature
Walk with giant trees, and continue our adventure.

….WHATEVER…

edited in 2015